Category : Coaching

Five Things to Let Go of Post Divorce

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  • September 25, 2020

1)Would Haves, Should Haves, Could Haves and What Ifs

Let go of replaying all the possible scenarios from the past. What if I had only done this?  What if I had done that instead? I should have, I could have, I would have…. STOP! It doesn’t matter anymore! What’s done, is done.  In that moment, at that time, you said/did/felt what you did for a reason.  Agonizing over your past actions, reactions and decisions changes nothing.  Living in regret is debilitating.  Learn from your past, apologize when necessary, forgive yourself and possibly your X (that might take time) and move forward without these chains of regret holding you down. Stop re-living, so you can live!

 

2)Negative Feelings

Let go of feelings that rile you up. Feelings that consume your mind and tie your stomach in a knot.  It takes time to heal and time for these intense emotions to subside, especially if you were hurt or betrayed in your marriage. First, feel the anger, feel the sadness, feel the resentment. Process it, express it, release it.  Holding onto these feelings for extended periods of time is not healthy.   It’s normal to experience occasional bouts of intense emotions, but when we constantly dwell on these emotions, they’ll only fester and invade our happiness.  Make a conscious decision to choose calm.

 

3)Limiting Beliefs

Let go of your limiting beliefs that no longer serve you. First, you have to discern what those beliefs are and examine them. How did you form those beliefs? Why do you hold onto them so tightly? What do you believe about marriage? About divorce? About co-parenting? About love? About happiness? How does your present situation merge with your belief system? What purpose are your current beliefs serving? How do they make you feel? How can they be altered to make you feel better? Think about how changing your beliefs can change your life.  For example:  You can believe your divorce is a tragedy based on a belief system that says marriage is forever; or you can choose to look at divorce as an opportunity–a gift–for a new beginning.  You get to choose what to believe.

 

4)The way things were

Let go of expecting things to be the same.  Everything is different now—your marital status impacts so many important details of your life–  your finances, your living situation, your parental time, your social life, your identity.  Brace yourself and prepare for these changes.  Holidays, family gatherings and other celebrations will all be different now. Even daily life will be unfamiliar to you as a single person. A new normal will evolve.  Keep an open mind to embrace the newness of your current situation. Instead of longing for the past, have fun creating the new— new routines, new traditions, new expectations, new social circles, a new you!

5)Control

 

Let go of trying to control everything.  It’s exhausting! Somethings just have to unfold naturally. Sometimes you have to just BE.  Be in the moment. Be you. Be free from the pressure/worry/fear of having to have everything under control all the time.  It’s ok if you can’t handle everything right now. It’s ok to be temporarily out of control as you heal and adjust to your new life circumstances. And, it’s ok to ask for help.

5 Things Divorce Makes You Realize about Yourself

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  • April 12, 2020

1)You’re stronger than you ever thought.

Divorce is a traumatic event.  After the death of a loved one, divorce is ranked as the second most stressful life event one can encounter. There are daily struggles every step of the way.   From the actions, decisions and circumstances that led to the divorce, to the actual divorce proceedings, to establishing a new norm post-divorce— it’s a long bumpy road with lots of sharp curves.  You may continue to have meltdowns, but you also continue to get back up.  You prove your strength every day. Keep going!

2)You’re the best advocate for yourself and your kids.

You no longer have a partner to back you up. You realize that you are the most powerful voice for yourself and your children. So you speak up and stand up for what’s in your best interest and theirs.

3)You actually can go out alone.

At first, you may have been afraid, hesitant or too self-conscious to do things alone.  Transitioning from being a part of a couple to being solo is a big adjustment.  As time goes by, a table for one, a ticket for one or an invite for one becomes less and less awkward. You begin to realize you alone are enough.

4)You can be sad and happy at the same time.

One minute you are rejoicing about being officially done with your ex -spouse, the next minute you’re mourning the life you once had.  You’re happy.  You’re sad.  You’re happy.  You’re sad.  Happiness and sadness, anger and relief, love and hate, outrage and calm, confidence and uncertainty, despair and hope— you fluctuate between a swarm of opposing emotions.  And that’s ok!! It’s all part of the healing process.

5)You’re a survivor.
You’re still here, right? You are going to make it!

5 Ways to Escape Divorce Mode

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  • March 30, 2020

Does it sometimes feel like your divorce is taking over every aspect of your life? Consuming every second of your day?

You need a break!  While we can’t totally escape from our divorce, we can prevent it from taking over our lives 24/7.

Scheduling time to focus on your divorce will actually free you from obsessing about it all day long.  Set aside 20 minutes during the day to focus just on your divorce.  During that time, write down all your questions, fears, concerns– things you are worried/angry/sad about; things you want to talk to your lawyer about; things you need to say to your X.  Get your thoughts out and organized; create an action plan; schedule and/or make necessary calls and appointments; then END the divorce session and move on with your day.

Here are five other suggestions for taking a timeout from your divorce:

1)Establish divorce- free zones in your house.

Whether it’s your bedroom or your den, set aside a sanctuary room or cozy nook in your house where divorce is forbidden to enter. That means once you enter that safe haven, you can’t do, say, read, google, write or think about anything related to divorce.  Settle into that space and exhale.

2) Move!

When divorce thoughts start creeping in, don’t just sit there- move!  When our bodies are in motion, our energy instantly changes. Take a brisk walk. Exercise. Clean the house. Dance in your living room.  Just move and let those positive endorphins flow.

3) Surround yourself with friends and family.  

Spend time with friends and family, but don’t let it become a venting session.  Tell them ahead of time, “I need to see you, but let’s not talk about my divorce at all today.”

4)Engage your mind.

Devote some time to a task or hobby that requires your full attention.  Learn or play an instrument.   Take up a foreign language. Choose a topic you know absolutely nothing about and read up on it.  Explore a genre of literature that you’ve never read before—sci fi perhaps?   Do a puzzle. Complete a crossword. Make a craft. Cook a new recipe. Master one of your kid’s Xbox games. Research a place/city/country of interest and plan a visit.

5) Have faith.

Have faith in God, in the universe, in whatever you believe in– that everything will work out in time. Believe in the rainbow after the storm.  Make a deliberate choice to seek solace. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Slow down. Breathe. Exhale.

5 Things a Divorce Coach Can Do for You

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  • February 24, 2020

Let’s be honest. Going through a divorce stinks, but you don’t have to do it alone. Seeking the help of a trained professional can ease your journey. Here are five things a divorce coach can do for you:

1)Help you maintain your sanity
All the stressors of a divorce can make you feel like you’re losing your mind! It’s a crazy time filled with many powerful mixed emotions. A divorce coach can help you fully acknowledge and process your emotions and then help you move forward in a productive way. What a relief when the emotional drama is turned into a sane, rational process.
2)Keep you on a forward moving path
Feeling stuck? When you are overwhelmed by the many life-changing decisions you are faced with, a divorce coach can help you focus, set priorities and plan your next step toward moving ahead and getting what you want.
3)Save you time and money
As your thinking partner, your divorce coach can help you organize and prepare for the legal process and devise relevant questions for your legal team. Your divorce coach can also help you tackle the mounds of divorce-related paperwork. All this will save you time and money spent at the lawyer’s office.
4)Connect you to other professionals
Your divorce coach can provide reliable references to an entire team of professionals you will likely need throughout the divorce process and beyond. This list includes financial planners, realtors, lawyers, mediators, accountants, mortgage brokers, therapists and counselors.
5)Guide you to be your best self
Divorce brings out the worst in people. Both parties often feel vulnerable, threatened, upset and angry during this tough, life-changing transition. A divorce coach can help you maintain your integrity, release your resentments and anger and help you live in a manner true to your morals and values.

5 Things to Look Forward to

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  • January 28, 2020

When you are feeling blah, it can really help to have something special to look forward to. So get out your calendars, make some fun plans and stick to them! It doesn’t matter how simple or elaborate those plans are, just do something special every day, week, month and season! Anticipating future activities and events brightens our everyday lives.
Here are a few ideas:

Seasonal
1)Have a ritual to celebrate each new season.
Examples may include: going apple/pumpkin picking in the fall; visiting a festive holiday-themed village in the winter; strolling through your city’s botanical gardens in the spring; attending an outdoor concert at the beach or park in the summer. Traditions provide meaning and joy to our lives!

Monthly
2)Plan a date.
Pick one day a month to have a standing date with a friend or group of friends. For example, plan a lunch date at a different restaurant on the first Friday of every month.

Weekly
3) Schedule some TV Time.
Get hooked on an uplifting show or ongoing series. Disappear into that make-believe world for an hour or two every week.

Daily
4) Talk.
Schedule a daily 10 minute pick- me-up phone call with your mom or your other best friend who always knows how to make you smile. A little pep talk can lift your spirits.

Anytime
5) Plan a guilt-free day off.
Don’t let your vacation days go to waste. Get a babysitter if you have to and enjoy a full day to yourself. Unplug and do something you enjoy. Shop, go to the spa, take a hike, garden, read, make a craft, take a day trip, do something out of the ordinary, or just curl up on the couch and relax. Take time off to recharge and refresh. You deserve it!
Having something to look forward to will help you get through the day, the week, the month, the year and your divorce!

5 Great Things about Living Single

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  • December 23, 2019

There’s a special kind of freedom about not having to be considerate of another person 24/7. And let’s all admit it, it’s kind of nice when we don’t have to share all our space and stuff with another adult. When you need to look at the bright side, try being grateful for these small and simple things divorce grants us:
1)Being the master of the TV remote
You now have control of the remote 24/7. Watch what you want, when you want. Flip the channels, raise the volume, and binge watch your favorite series undisturbed. Oh yeah and you also get to control all the other household entertainment devices and electronics.
2)Getting a peaceful night’s sleep
Isn’t it nice to completely stretch out in the middle of your bed with no one twisting and turning or snoring next to you? And no one stealing covers or hitting snooze for the 6th time. Claim that bed as your own sleep haven. Sweet dreams!
3)Having the master bathroom all to your self
More counter space. Check! More shelf space. Check! Less mess. Check! No wet towels on the floor. Check! Toilet seat always in the right position. Check! Turn that bathroom into your own little spa retreat.
4)Controlling the house thermostat
Tired of living in an icebox? In a sauna? Who wants the thermostat set at 67? Who likes it at 72? Your choice now! You alone decide the comfort zone! Ahhhhhh!
5)Enjoying all that extra closet space!!
When was the last time you had enough closet space? Isn’t every woman’s dream to have more closet space? Now you got it! All yours! Time for a shopping spree.

Be the queen of your castle and continue to find one small thing after another to be grateful for.

5 Ways to Bring Calm Back into Your Home

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  • November 13, 2019

Your life may be in a state of upheaval, but your house doesn’t have to be. Creating a tranquil environment at home promotes a tranquil mindset which can help reduce stress levels. Here are some ways to create a peaceful living space.
1)Get organized.
Who has piles in their house? Piles of mail? Piles of bills? Piles of laundry? Piles of books and magazines? Piles of shoes? Piles of stuff can result in piles of stress. Set up a system for keeping things organized around your house. Go through your piles and discard what you can. Create a filing system for papers and mail– perhaps, color coordinated folders for each family member. For larger items, think of creative storage options such as decorative baskets and bins. Things that are not used every day should be stored away in a closet, attic, garage or basement. Additionally, make a plan to do things differently. For example, stop folding the laundry on the dining room table where the piles of clothes may sit for days. Instead, take the laundry basket straight to the bedrooms.
2)Declutter.
Once the piles are put away, it’s time for a deep declutter. Take an inventory of your home. Go through each room and remove the items that you no longer have use for; items that are old or broken; items that you have duplicates of; or items that just don’t bring you joy anymore. Schedule a different room to tackle each week. Don’t forget to go through draws, cabinets and closets. Check under the beds too! Once you’ve collected your items, decide what to throw out, what to donate and what to sell. Decluttering your living space is a great way to create fresh new energy in your home.
3)Adjust the lighting.
Experiment with different colored light bulbs, lamp shades and dimmers. This is easy and affordable and allows you to create the type of peaceful lighting that you want, whether it’s a soft, dim mellow glow or a brighter warm vibe. Candles and flameless candles are other great options for setting a tranquil mood. And instead of overhead lighting, try turning on table lamps and standing lighting fixtures for a cozier feel.
4)Pick new colors.
Choose soothing colors and repaint your main living spaces. Blue, violet, pink and green are all considered stress reducing colors. Or if you’re feeling Zen, go with natural colors in soft tones. Shades of beige, grey, white and soft pink induce relaxation. If repainting is too much of a project, bring out these calming colors in accent pieces like area rugs, throw pillows and wall décor.
5)Play soft music.
Replace the noise in your head with relaxation music! Choose slow, quiet instrumental music. Listening to calming music can actually lower your heart rate, pulse and blood pressure as well as reduce the level of stress hormones in your body. Music has the power to ease pain, relax muscles, sharpen cognitive function, improve sleep, enhance mood and reduce anxiety.
When the rest of your world seems like a mess, it’s nice to be able to retreat to your own peaceful sanctuary.

5 Ways to Get Out of Your Rut

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  • October 12, 2019

Going through a divorce can be devastating, so it’s totally normal to experience bouts of sadness.  But if you feel like you’re stuck in a rut, here are some ideas for picking yourself up.

1)Reflect on Past Successes. 

Think of all the other times in your life when you have had success. Reflect on all your accomplishments- a promotion, a raise, the completion of a project, recognition for a good deed, a new job, a personal best running time, a hike up a mountain, an achieved goal, or anytime in your life when you have had to overcome an obstacle.   In addition, acknowledge your success as a mother, a friend, a co-worker and all the other important roles you play.  What did you do to be successful in the past?  Conjure up those same skills and that same mindset to be successful now and in your future.  You have the power to turn your divorce into a success story too.

2)Help Others.

Altruistic ventures shift our attention away from ourselves onto others.  When we help others in need, it can also put our own problems in perspective.  So get out of your own head and reach out to community organizations or your local parish to engage in some fulfilling volunteer activities.  You will be so happy you did! And so will the people you’ve helped.

3)Do Something Productive.

Dedicate yourself to completing something—anything! Sometimes we get stuck in a rut when we are feeling overwhelmed and powerless.  Instead of shutting down, now is the time to make a dent in some of the things that are taking up space on your seemingly endless to-do list. Make that phone call you’ve been dreading.  Clean out that junk draw once and for all.  Go through last week’s mail.  Change the broken lightbulb.  Schedule that appointment you’ve been putting off. Crossing some of these pesky things off your to-do list will provide you with a sense of accomplishment that will push you back in motion.

4)Stretch Your Comfort Zone.

Do something completely out of the ordinary.  Face a fear.  Accept a challenge.  Be bold. Be courageous.  Step out of your comfort zone and land somewhere new.  Break free of your self-imposed limitations and open the door to an exciting realm of possibilities. Go!

5)Allow Yourself to Have Fun.

Take a break and allow yourself to just enjoy some plain good old fashion fun.  Act like a kid. Be silly. Be curious. Laugh. Throw a party.  Plan a mom’s night out. Re-visit some of the things you used to enjoy doing—painting, baking, singing, dancing, gardening—whatever makes you feel alive!

How have you climbed out of a rut? Please share suggestions in the comment section below.

5 Quotes to Empower You

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  • September 28, 2019

A powerful quote can shift your perspective, inspire you and lift you up.
1) There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope.
–Bernard Williams

2) My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
-Maya Angelou

3) And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
-J.K. Rowling

4) Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.
-Carrie Fisher

5) I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story—I will.
-Amy Schumer
Please share your favorite quote in the comment section below.